Scene X

There’s a video on YouTube that I don’t want you to watch. You probably haven’t seen it. It’s one of the truly great moments in horror cinema, and I don’t want you to go and check it out under any circumstances. In fact, I’ll be genuinely pissed if any of you do go and check it out as a result of reading this blog. Don’t do it, kids.

In fact, sod it, I’m going to call it ‘Scene X’ and won’t even tell you which movie it’s from. Because if you watch it on YouTube, you won’t actually see it in any meaningful sense.

Scene X has got a whole load of heartbreakingly crass and badly written comments underneath it. “This is supposed to be scary? ROFL”, “its not even scary”, “I thought ti was hilarious” and so on, the dull echo chamber of fuckwittery reverberating through the bowels of the internet. The sound of the barely literate congratulating themselves on their lack of engagement with a thirty-year old clip removed from any sense of context.

The reason that Scene X is one of the greatest scenes in horror history isn’t the scene itself, it’s because of all the rest of the movie around it that isn’t Scene X. An ear-splitting gunshot in the middle of a Terminator movie might not even be noticed, whereas an ear-splitting gunshot in the middle of a film of a child playing would have a very different effect indeed. It’s all context, and if you rob a powerful scene of that you reduce it to meaningless pixels on a screen and then wonder why it doesn’t engage you.

So, no, I’m not going to tell you what Scene X is. Irritatingly, even knowing that there’s a brilliant scare-shot on the way will massively dilute your experience of the movie. The movie which is almost impossible to get hold of regardless.

So now you’ll probably never see it at all. Because I’ve painted myself into a corner, where telling you the title would be a meta-spoiler.

My name’s Pat Higgins, and my conscience is clear.

PS. Since writing this blog, a remake of the film that contains Scene X has come out and been a big hit. I’ve also performed and recorded a new live show about horror filmmaking, which is embedded below for your viewing pleasure. It may not have Scene X in it, but it has got a certain amount of gore, nudity and naughty words and is thus NSFW. Hope you enjoy it; if so, don’t forget to tell me about it on Twitter.

Indie Movies Online at Cannes

I’m kind of gutted that I won’t be at Cannes this year. I love it and I want to get back there.. Hopefully next year. In the meantime, our good friends over at IMO have set up a special Cannes Film Festival site to help me keep up to date with what’s going on and miss it even more. And whilst you’re over in the IMO neck of the woods, don’t forget that if you’re based in the UK you can still check out our award-winning flick The Devil’s Music by clicking below..

And if you’ve already seen TDM, why not check out one of the other movies on the site?

When I haven’t been getting all nostalgic about long-closed cinemas or doing Q&A sessions, I’ve been working on the House on the Witchpit screenplay again. Don’t know if it’s my mood in general, but the pendulum is swinging back to slightly lighter tonally once more. Maybe I just can’t handle writing dark stuff for months..

The Classic, Westcliff on Sea

This is what I remember, although you can’t call it a memory.

Poster frames outside. Six frames, left to right. The two central ones are advertising ‘Now Showing’. When I try and focus on the one second from the left I can’t get a firm image in my head. It might be advertising local businesses. It’s certainly not as interesting as the others, which are advertising all sorts of coming attractions. The one furthest to the right is advertising late night shows on Fridays and Saturdays. The posters for the late shows are pretty lurid, and either scare me silly or tempt me with the forbidden depending how old I am at that particular moment. Scanners, Videodrome, Play Misty for Me, Come Play with Me, Lemon Popsicle, Confessions Of.. through to The Witches of Eastwick, Ruthless People and beyond. Movies I’m not allowed to see. By the time I’m old enough to do so, many of them will be quaint relics of another age.. So the power lies in the posters, and for me at least it always will. In the tease, not the strip. Sell the sizzle, not the steak.

Inside, the lobby smells of cigarette smoke, candy and popcorn. An assistant looks out from behind glass, dispensing little numbered tickets depending on what screen I was heading to. The assistant, who much have changed a dozen times over the years but is present in my mind as either a cheerful balding guy or a faintly disapproving middle-aged woman. They ask my age once only (Lethal Weapon 2, 1989) and the rest of the time just check smoking or non-smoking.

Screen One is downstairs. A whole bunch of memories trip over one another as I try and picture the screen. I’m sitting looking at the pillars and the cladding on the walls whilst waiting nervously to watch The Black Hole, the advertising for which both scares and intrigued me. I glance at my Scooby Doo watch and wonder how many minutes until the film starts. Scooby’s arms are the hands of the watch, and I’m getting pretty good at working out the time. Then suddenly, I’m sitting with my Mum eating Revels and watching Breakdance, whilst some kids smoke dope a couple of rows behind us. Then I’m watching Howard The Duck with my buddy Dan Rice, and we’re the only people in the screen until about a minute before the film starts.

But this film isn’t in Screen One. It’s in the smaller screen upstairs, which means walking past another ‘Coming Soon’ poster midway up the staircase. It’s for Damien: Omen II and now I’m too scared to go past it because I’m only a toddler. But somehow I manage it, and I end up in the upstairs lobby looking at a big cardboard stand for Battle Beyond The Stars which looks brilliant, and suddenly I’m a couple of years older and I’m at Saturday Morning Cinema. Screen Two is full of a hundred or so kids all about my age, and a long suffering member of staff called Uncle something is entertaining us and handing out prizes prior to the films. The films are a collection of shorts and cartoons. The main feature is called Electric Eskimo and is about 50 minutes long. There’s a serial called Chimp Mates which we see a different episode of every week, except we don’t because it’s now 5 years later and Uncle something doesn’t do the Saturday Morning Cinema anymore, and they show proper, actual films and don’t give out prizes. The only criteria is that they have to be PG, so the films aren’t always tailored to a crowd of 7-13 year olds. Thus we watch Police Academy 2. And then I’m once again too old to be going to Saturday morning cinema.

And then I’m making plans to go off to University, and I’m too busy thinking about sex and music and pubs and girls and videos to particularly worry about that little cinema down the road because I’ve, quite frankly, got a lot of other stuff on my mind. And I don’t even bother to go to the final show there in 1991.

And then I’m 36, I’m married and I’m probably as grown up as I’m ever going to get.

I’m looking at a Halfords in Westcliff that happens to be standing where some cheap little second-run cinema used to stand. I’ve stopped by because I need some antifreeze for the car engine but, for some unknown reason, I’m fighting the urge to cry.